This breast cancer treatment journey is forcing me to let go of expectations.  Since the second chemo treatment last Thursday, I’ve been thinking that the days will get better.  Well, the reality is that some days are a bit better and some are not.  Saturday and Sunday were pretty rough, even rougher than the day of chemo or the day after.  This time, I have managed to eat more and better – including more protein to try to help out my blood counts.  But not much food actually appeals to me.  That chemical taste that is constantly in my mouth doesn’t encourage eating.  Even water tastes funny.  Actually, it’s easier to drink something that has a little flavor because it masks the chemical taste somewhat.

I’ve had some meal deliveries from friends, and that has made the eating easier.  Or at least somewhat easier.  I’ve been told by people who have already been on this road that I shouldn’t eat my favorite foods because I’ll no longer want them when this is over.  I joked that I should eat potato chips now – they’ve always been my big weakness when it comes to eating healthy.  So maybe I could break myself of that addiction now. . .

I got up yesterday with more of an appetite, and I thought that meant the climb was definitely heading upward to feeling better.  But then yesterday afternoon was another rough one.  So I’m finding out more and more not to have expectations.  To take things as they come.  Like the squirrel that somehow has gotten itself stuck in the duct work of the gas log fireplace that I never use.  At first I was thinking “JUST what I need now!!”  And I was frustrated.  But the reality is that there is a squirrel in the duct work, and it can’t get out, and I have to hire someone to take care of that.  Getting frustrated doesn’t do me – or the squirrel – any good.

One thing I’m learning during these days when I can’t do anything is that daytime television is its own world, one populated by frenetic talk shows, a plethora of judge shows, and myriad reruns.  The talk shows seem to reinforce that we Americans have very short attention spans.  They don’t spend very long on any topic and surely don’t go into any depth.  But then I can’t think very well right now, so maybe that’s perfect.  However, it does worry me that viewers get a simplistic view of nearly every topic.

Today finds me feeling tired – and tired of being tired.  That’s part of the journey, too.  Some of this is just plain old endurance.  With lots of encouragement from friends and family.  And more opportunities to let go of expectations.  And gratitude for support. . . and for medical treatments, even the harsh ones.