If you just want the short version, here it is:
I’ve chosen to have a double mastectomy, no reconstruction.
If you’d like to know more, keep reading . . .
My decision is two-faceted, the rational and the intuitive.
The rational:
- The percentages of having cancer return are the lowest with a double mastectomy.
- If I can’t tolerate the hormone-blocking pills, a double mastectomy gives me the best non-return percentages. I’ve become VERY sensitive to medications, so this is a possibility.
- My left breast where I had cancer and a lumpectomy 11 years ago has a large, hardened seroma. I had it drained eight times back then and finally gave up. It’s painful sometimes. My surgeon says that removing it will probably make that side feel better than it does now. She says that the last cancer was probably in about the worst place because it was at the bottom of my breast and close to the chest wall.
- I already have numbness on the left side because of that lumpectomy, so I know what the numbness feels like and am okay with that.
- Double mastectomy is amazingly a day surgery! I thought it would require a hospital stay.
- The anesthesiologist will use blocks for the pain. They last three days, and some women don’t even need narcotics at all after surgery.
- If the genetic testing shows the BRCA gene, the recommendation is double mastectomy. Not that I think that’s what I have, but I’ll be ahead of the game if I do.
- My surgeon says I’m a good candidate for double mastectomy.
- Reconstruction is very painful. At this point in my life, I go for less pain.
The intuitive:
- I’ve felt all along, from the time that I knew it was “probably” cancer, that double mastectomy would be best for me.
- I slept on that last night and woke knowing it’s the best choice.
- I’ve felt for a long time that if I were ever to need a double mastectomy, I wouldn’t want reconstruction.
None of this makes it easy.
Although yesterday after talking with my surgeon, after feeling her encouraging energy, I was feeling strong, and my thought was, “Get ‘er done!! I can handle it! I’ve been through tougher surgeries like double knee replacement, so I know I can handle this!”
Today I’m feeling the fear. My intuition is saying, “It’s a good decision but it’s still hard. You will feel a loss.”
And it’s saying, “Let yourself grieve.”
So today is a teary day. I’m not sure exactly what I’m feeling other than sadness. I’m saying goodby to my breasts. I’ve had them since I was what? Eleven or twelve years old? They’re literally a part of my body. And they’re so connected to “femininity.”
Who will I be without breasts?
I’m not sure.
How will I feel? I know my physical center of gravity will be different. But I also know my sense-of-self center of gravity will be different, too.
I’ll still be a woman. But as an aging woman, one who is in the “senior” category, I don’t have “perky” breasts, so it’s less of a “practical” loss.
But it’s a loss nonetheless.
And how to navigate that feeling?
There’s no pat answer. I know to welcome the feelings (I use the Welcoming Prayer a lot). And I know those feelings will change, sometimes rapidly. Each day, each hour, even each minute might be different. And that’s okay.
I’ve been here before with breast cancer. And with a hysterectomy. And with double knee replacement. So in some ways this place of fear and loss is familiar.
But it’s also unfamiliar. All at once!
Paradox.
I struggled mightily with paradox when I was in my 30s.
But now in my 60s I have less need to understand.
I realized a few years ago my compulsion to understand was a way to try to have control.
Now I’m much more comfortable with mystery. My rational brain can’t figure everything out. And it shouldn’t.
Because wisdom usually lies in not-knowing. Wisdom knows there is so much that is beyond our control.
So much that lies within paradox.
So here I am (again) letting go. Of literal body parts, but also of other things. Of a sense of control. Of a sense of who I am.
I’ll be honest, today has been tough. But as I said, this journey is about dealing with feelings as they come.
So today I’ll be gentle with myself. I’ll let myself feel. And that will be enough.
eddies and currents 
Good words, Krista. Much wisdom. My growing old led me to this truth which I often repeat. The father I go on my life and faith journey – the less I know and the more I choose to believe.
There are many people believing with you,
Thanks so much, David. We’ll all believe together.
Reading your words brings me to grieve with you. I’ve often wondered if I could make that move. Your facing this challenge with the courage I would hope to have. PLEASE let me know if there is ANY thing I might do…I’m here if needed.
Thanks so much, Cheryl. Your support from afar means a lot.
I admire and respect your decision. I am and will continue to be praying for you🙏. Don’t forget, I’m only a yard, text or phone call away so please, please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do.
I appreciate that, Lynda, and may be calling on you at some point.
I totally agree with your decision. I know how you are feeling about the loss. Many days I wish I would have had a double mastectomy. Prayers for you my friend.
Thanks so much, Cindy.
Dearest Krista … I’m so glad for you that you’ve made decisions … that place of not knowing what to do is sooo stressful! and making a decision is such a relief!!
Thank you letting us in your heart and mind. You are a wise woman … rational and intuitive and creative … connected to the Infinite.
I love your exploration of choices and your acceptance of the paradox of all of life, specifically with what you’re experiencing right now.
I’m sure you have many offers … add me to the list. Who’s taking you to the surgery? Is Carla coming? Has a date been set?
I’m holding you in my heart, dear friend. ♥️s
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Thanks so much, Susu. Yes, Karla is coming down for as long as I need her. I don’t have a surgery date but will share when I do.
Oh Krista, you continue to blow me away with your acceptance of what is and your courage to let go. I know it is a relief to have a plan, and I also understand the sense of loss having a mastectomy brings. I am so glad Betsy Washburn is your doctor! You are a wise woman to honor the mystery of the unknown. As you move on you remain on my mind and in my heart, sweet friend. 🙏❤️
Thanks so much, Alice. Betsy Washburn is encouraging and insightful and makes me feel comfortable. I can’t say that about many docs.
Dear Krista – Lots or emotions. Lots of sound reasoning – I wish you all the best with this
X
Tom
Thanks, Tom. I appreciate that.
We learned years ago that we all make our own choices. For what it’s worth, I saw my new oncologist yesterday. My original one retired—the one I felt connected to. This one talked to me about the double. I told him I chose it against my surgeon’s suggestion. He said if his wife faced the demon, he would encourage her to have the double. The choices you made 11 years ago have given you 11 years; I truly believe the choice you’re making will give you many more than that. You know my family loves you; we will be praying for you; you’re a tough cookie and will handle this like a champ!
Somehow I missed this earlier, Claudia. Yes, we got 11 years, didn’t we? I hope this choice gives many more, too. Thank you for your prayers and love.
I truly believe you’re making the right choice. Again, we all have to do us–different opinions for different folks. We will be praying you through this next journey–been there, done that; you can do it again with the same determination as before. You still have our prayers.
I hope you are becoming more comfortable with this decision every day. My mother had 2 consecutive mastectomies in the late 1980’s without reconstruction. As a 5year old, Lauren accidentally saw her scars and my mother was upset. But my beautiful child said “don’t worry, Ama, they’ll grow back.” Obviously Lauren was wrong, but she was right to show compassion. I hope you have that compassion and optimism for yourself.
I’m trying to do just that. Thank you.